apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
