I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
