It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
