Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
