Someone shit on the floor
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
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I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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