you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
