dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
