Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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