I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
