Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
