you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
