Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
