shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
