Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
