this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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