So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
