my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
