I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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