You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
