did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
