we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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