Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
