Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
