Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
