If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My feet surprised me
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
