He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
