i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
