my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
