Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
