Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
