according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
