I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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