My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just gift wrapped bread.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
