theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
