I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
