This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
