I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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