i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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