so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
