he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
