she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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