I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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