so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
