Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
