I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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