i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
