I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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