Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
