You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
