he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
