I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
