why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
