rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
