Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
