I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
