I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
