I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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