the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
