So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
